Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
