Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
