dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Damn victory sex feels great
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
