Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize