I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's blow job season.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
