my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I could make wine with my vomit
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
