He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
