If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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