you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
pop tarts are not kleenex
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
