brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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