We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
