my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
