That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
well you can't waste a boner
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
