There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Even the bartender felt bad for me
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
COCAINE IS GR8
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
