I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
