Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
