fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
