he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
