office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
