I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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