Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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