WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The air was thick with penises
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
