I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
