Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize