Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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