maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize