Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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