now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
