not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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