I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
