You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
