I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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