i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
