The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
