he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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