I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
