I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
