Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
