We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
