Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He has the fingertips of a God
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