make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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