I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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