I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
