You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
