I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
