Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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