At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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