The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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