It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Michael Bay diarrhea
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
