if you like me you must not know who I am
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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