I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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