yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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