At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
