She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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