I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
