i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
