JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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